B.K.M
by Koh Atashka
Summary: Vash and Wolfwood purchase kinky handcuffs from an unknown merchant, who turns out to be a big weird criminal... *A tribute to anything that secretly goes on between Vash and Nickolas lol*
1. Titianiumly Handcuffed

This is a tribute to anything and everything that goes on secretly between Vash and Wolfwood, *coughcough* But.. I thought that it was a pretty funny fic.. soo.. here it is! - - Koh  
  
B.K.M (Brilliant Kinky Merchant): Part One, "Titianiumly Handcuffed"  
  
"This has to be the worst day ever..."  
  
Vash's fingers trembled as his eyes got all watery. He gave a little sniff and continued walking down the dirt street. "Why does all this stuff happen to me? I can handle a 2,000 pound guy trying to kill me... I can handle old technology aliens attacking me... and I can handle 1,000 people shooting at my rear end... but this?!" Vash swished his head to the right.  
  
"Heh... being handcuffed to you without a key.. isn't that bad..." chuckled Nickolas Wolfwood.  
  
Vash's cheeks became red, "You keep drinking my water!! And you smell!" Vash cried a bit. "And now... I... I..."  
  
Wolfwood raised an eyebrow, "You.. what?" He wobbled his free hand in the air as Vash looked up disgusted. "This can't be easy... but... I think I have to go to the bathroom..."  
  
Wolfwood's eyes got wide, "Heh... heh... not today you don't..."  
  
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Vash and Wolfwood slamed their handcuffed hands onto a wooden desk. A funny, scraggly old man with spectacles observed the cuffs. "Ah hmmm..." He tapped it with his fingers. "There's no way I can cut through that with any materials here... that there is some tough diamond-titanium! This kinda stuff in only used in the east, for all the money vaults.... Say..." The old man looked up and put his finger to his chin, "How in the world did this happen?"  
  
Vash looked to the left a little embarrassed. "Well... heh heh..." Nickolas gulped a bit. "Eh, it... it was basically an accident... See uhh..."  
  
The old mad coughed. "Well...?"  
  
Wolfwood looked to the right.... "Yeah, heh heh... an accident, that's all... nothing to worry an old man like yourself."  
  
The old mad plushed back into a leather chair what was strategicly place behind the desk... "Well, I am afraid that I can't help you then... I was gonna suggest a certain someone.. but... If it really isn't that important to a man like me," The oldie pushed up his glasses, "then, I guess I shouldn't bother..."  
  
Vash stood up, taking Wolfwoods hand with him, "I swear! I was drunk!" Wolfwood cringed a bit, "You block-head... You were PERFECTLY sober, as I recall... Especially when you bought the damn things!!"  
  
Vash cried back, "But... you tricked me into it! And... and.. and then you..." Vash gulped as he thought a bit. "... Aha! yes, Mr. Old Guy, this was a dare..."  
  
The old man looked suddenly scared... "Say... You bought these? From who?"  
  
Vash put a hand over his mouth and shook his head. "Mmph Mmm" Wolfwood did the honors of answering the man.. "Well... uh, there was this merchant guy.. yeah... he was selling-" Vash smacked Nickolas in the mouth. "Nooo!! There was no merchant selling kinky toys!"  
  
The room got silent, the old man gave a frightening look.. and Vash dropped to the floor... "Eh.. heh heh.. whoops.."  
  
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"Okay.. soo... either the guy was afraid of us... or.. he was afraid of the merchant we mentioned in there..." Wolfwood chuckled. Vash had tears streaming from his eyes... "That wasn't something I wanted the city's chairman to know..."  
  
Nickolas put on his sunglasses with his free hand, "Eh, no biggie, right? Besides... it's just handcuffs..." Vash coughed, "Specially designed handcuffs, I guess... Anyway, I think we need to find that merchant... Maybe he has an extra key, or something..."  
  
Wolfwood started to whistle, and Vash started humming as they walked... and then... a big sign interupted in their path...  
  
Wolfwood tripped over it, as gracfully as possible... "Hey... ow... WHO PUT'S A SIGN IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROAD!" Wolfwood pounded on the fallen wooden sign. Vash nudged Wolfwood's arm with his foot, half bent over from Wolfwood's fall. "Umm... maybe you should read it?"  
  
"Oh.. heh.. yeah.. looks like a wanted poster..." Nickolas lifted up the sign... "Eh?"  
  
Vash knelt down and read the dusty board aloud... "B.K.M ... the Kinkiest Criminal Merchant around... Wanted for 30,000 Double Dollars... Hmm..," Vash huffed... "I wonder what B.K.M stands for..." Wolfwood punched Vash's should... "Idiot..." He pointed to the fine print, "Brilliant Kinky Merchant..." 


	2. Enter the Merchant

B.K.M (Brilliant Kinky Merchant) : Part 2, "Enter the Brilliant Merchant"  
  
"It says here, that this guy has committed many crimes. He is most famous for stealing titanium money vaults and then using the leftover metal from the vaults, using them to make sell-able toys, such as these kinky handcuffs..." Wolfwood held up his cuffed hand. Vash looked at his limp hand attached to Wolfwood's, "Heh, what a way to make a profit... and a cover-up too..." Vash sighed as he put the arms back to their sides.  
  
Wolfwood picked up the dirty sign. "Well..." He tossed the sign aside, "At least I'm right handed... and this cuff is on my left..." He reached for his gun and snickered. "Eh heheh..."  
  
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"So, where do we start?" Vash scratched his head. Wolfwood started walking, tugging Vash behind him. "Well, we can always go back to the hotel..." He snicked and smiled, and then received a thump on the back of his head from Vash's palm. "Pervert..."  
  
Wolfwood rubbed his head a little... "Sheesh, you always take me for the perverted things... I only meant that we should go back there, because THAT's where we BOUGHT the HANDCUFFS... and it might give us a head start in finding this B.K.M guy"  
  
Vash put his finger over his mouth and shushed Wolfwood, "Shh! Can you keep it down?"  
  
Wolfwood laughed, "What.. keep down... THAT YOU'RE MY BOYFRIEND?"  
  
Vash fell over, his face first into the road.  
  
"Vash," Wolfwood started, walking again and dragging Vash, "You're too sensitive of a guy... You need to learn to be more social..."  
  
Vash looked up with a mouthful of dirt... "Mhmmph!! Mmm mmphh!!... PLEH!" A dust cloud formed from his mouth, ".. yeck... *coughcough*.. Wait!! There he is!!"  
  
Wolfwood turned around suddenly, "Wahh?? Where!"  
  
A short man dressed in bundles of gray and brown, rag-like clothes stood on a corner of the dirt street admist the crowd. He had on a small black cloak, and was carrying and abnormally large breifcase, and he didn't look too clean...  
  
"Sheesh!... you'd think a man with so much stolen money would dress a little better..." Vash observed. Wolfwood shook his head and sighed, "I SUPPOSE it adds to the affect of him being a normal merchant... but... It looks like he could use a bath..."  
  
Vash laughed a little...  
  
Wolfwood picked up Vash from the ground, and then they proceeded towards the raggy merchant.  
  
"Uhh... Excuse me.. but.. uh.." Wolfwood pointed his finger in the air, waving it to try and get the merchants attention. "We bought something from you the other night?"  
  
The merchant turned around... "...."  
  
Vash shoved in, "Yeah well, we were wondering.. if you had another key.. seems as though we lost ours... last night, and... yeah..."  
  
The merchant didn't say anything..  
  
"Hey... mister merchant man, really.. This stuff is uncut-able.. and... we'll pay you money for the trouble and all.. and.." Wolfwood put his free hand behind his head a smiled. "And, considering that, you know, you already are a criminal-"  
  
"Eagh!!!" The merchant grunted and hissed, and pulled out a shiney gun. "... No key! ... No key for you!"  
  
Vash leaned over to Wolfwood and whispered, "Hmm.. must be from the way-east.."  
  
Wolfwood laughed.. "Heh heh... but... uh.. he's got a gun? I think we should be more careful.."  
  
The civilians around the area all started to panic, and soon, a circle formed around the merchant and Vash and Wolfwood.  
  
"I am B.K.M! No one i'll catch me! I sell only the finest, the kinkiest of all metal toys! If you two REALLY want a key, I challenge you lovers to a duel...!!"  
  
Vash gasped, "Whoa.. he is really taking this to the extreme..." 


	3. Phoney Duel

B.K.M (Brilliant Kinky Merchant) : Part 3, "Phoney Duel"  
  
Vash gasped, "Whoa.. he is really taking this to the extreme..."  
  
The merchant shook his other small, raggy dirty hand out at the two, pointing with his index finger. he hand with the gun was parallel with the other. "Duel... DUEL!! Mwahahaha!!"  
  
Wolfwood raised a free-hand and waved it back on forth, "Hey now, mister merchant man, we didn't mean to cause any trouble, just a key would be nice..." Wolfwood looked towards the handcuffs.  
  
The Merchant giggles and wobbled his hands as he did. "Duel duel duel.. duel for a key... if you think you can, come and get me!! Mwehaheee!!"  
  
The merchant man jumped around like an idiot for a while, and then Vash whispered to Wolfwood, "A riddler or something? He sure does like to act like a weirdo when fightin'..." Wolfwood's head lowered, "Seems like someone I know.. VASH... " He shot his head back at Vash.. "Now, maybe, with all of this nonsense going on, we can snatch his breifcase... I bet the keys are in there.." Vash nodded his head to the plan.  
  
"Alright, monkey-merchant-man..." started Vash, do a foot-slide up the street, "We'll duel with you..." Vash winked at Wolfwood as they got closer. The Merchant raised an eyebrow and stopped jumping around. "Eh? You're actually going to duel me? The most powerful, awesome duelist of guns?" His face went blank.  
  
"I smell a fish... " Said Wolfwood... Vash shot up all happy-like, "FISH?! Where!! Fish-Sandwich??"  
  
Wolfwood smacked Vash in the mouth, "No, you idiot! Its a metaphor!!" Wolfwood shook his his in the air at Vash's face... "Me-ta-four?" Vash trembled, remembering that he was handcuffed to Wolfwood, "ARGH, nevermind.." Wolfwood blabbered off as the Merchant came within a few feet, pointing his gun at their heads.  
  
"Now now now... A key is what you want? Are you afriad of my gun? ... His name is Patsy.." The Merchant held his gun back to his chest and started petting it.  
  
Vash got all wide-eyed, "... P-Patsy?... P-P-Pet?"  
  
*Not Finished.. ^__^* 


End file.
